Picture Whore

Life is one continuous wave with some really high points and really low points and all the points in between. Sometimes the wave kind of flattens out and all is good. Other times it's up and down, up and down...

I'm feeling very anxious about 4 to 6 months from now. I'm feeling a lot of pressure. There are too many variables that I can't safely predict. Grad school delayed the omg-this-is-my-career-for-the-rest-of-my-life and I'm-really-truly-an-adult feelings. I just want to do what's right and what's best and not feel like I missed out on any amazing opportunities because I chose this another path. Not knowing makes me want to vomit and cry and give into the comfort of staying in bed the rest of my life. I won't but I feel that way.

Cindy has tempted me with the exotic adventure of South Korea but I honestly have a difficult time justifying and reconciling an entire year spent teaching English after two years of putting so much time, effort, and money into a specialized masters degree. And that makes me feel a little sad.

I'm going to apply for the National Park Service HABS heritage documentation summer job program. I've been thinking about it since last night when I was first notified about it and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it's something I need to do. One of those somethings that I'll regret not applying for. So I'll apply at the very least; it doesn't mean I'll be chosen.

I wish I was better at living more in the present instead of the future. I'm good for a few weeks at a time and then the future rears its ugly futurey head and I start feeling crazy again.

I was reading about Oprah's Favorite Things list for this year and she's not going to shower her audience with expensive, amazing, drool-worthy things this year in "honor" of the poor economy and hard times. Instead it's going to be about making things and she's apparently going to give the audience something that is completely free. I admit that I'm really curious to see what that's going to be.

To the point, is anyone else taking it easy this holiday season? Cutting back on the consumption? I'm going to attempt to make quite a few presents this year with materials I've bought throughout the year... we'll see how successful I am.

But in honor of Oprah, here are a list of my favorite things at the moment and some ideas I have.
1. Music. I am loving Goldfrapp, MGMT, and of course, Bloc Party right now. I highly recommend you check any or all of them out. Also, Alex Parks does a great cover of "Mad World." And the Goldfrapp station, as well as the Ting Tings station, on Pandora is pretty much the only thing I listen to besides Bloc Party albums.

2. Along those lines, the mix tape = cheap Christmas gift. And, you're sharing/spreading the joy of music you love with people you love.

3. Sprouted wheat bread. So tasty, so good for you. A little more expensive than regular bread ($2.99 at Trader Joe's), it's has more fiber and protein and less calories and processing. It's a little sweet and 1 or 2 pieces go a long way in appeasing hunger for a few hours or more.

4. Beezy's Cafe in downtown Ypsilanti on N. Washington. Finally made my way there today. The atmosphere is cozy and a little hipster. I love the tin ceilings... I couldn't stop looking up at them. The food is good, portions are perfect, and the staff, including the owner Bee, is friendly and laid-back. The prices were of the typical coffeehouse variety (sandwiches $4.00-$7.00 and most were an average of that) but I think the freshness of the food is worth it. And I really liked the young, hipster, vegan/vegetarian vibe.

5. Button rings. I made one at DUCF. It makes me ridiculously happy. It's the simplest thing yet just thinking about it brings an involuntary smile to my face. I'm not entirely sure why two buttons, thread, and a ring finding make me happy... there might be something wrong.

6. Local shopping and crafting. I'm going to try to do most of my holiday shopping locally this year. I think it can be done and what I don't buy, I'll make. The Rocket has a lot of great, fun stuff and candy! I haven't really found anything at the local antique shops but who knows, I may find something yet.

I wish I had 4 more favorite things of the moment to make this list a 10 but I can't think of anything. Sadness.

MDOT internship ends at the end of the first week of December. A month ago it seemed so far away and now it seems like it's tomorrow. A part of me is ready to move on, the other part is going to miss the constant research and "detective work" and Sigrid.

At last night's HDC meeting, it was revealed that the owner of a property that needs to be demo-ed has Alzheimers, which is why it's taken him so long to submit a demolition application package and why he's had so many issues doing it. The sad part to me was that his daughter has basically washed her hands of him because she can't deal with his problems anymore.

I don't know the family's history or anything about their father/daughter relationship, but damn that's cold. I can't imagine the frustration and grief of having a parent with Alzheimers but seriously? No matter what, I could never do that to either of my parents.

It just made me sad. That's all.

This morning I got gas for $2.13; if I would have had enough cash, it would have been $2.09. Just awesome. Seriously.

I've kind of been asked to stay on here in Lansing through the spring. To consider it at least. Honestly, I'm not sure and I'm attempting to weigh how important the extra money is versus my life next semester.

Next semester I'll have 4 classes; at least 2 of those are going to be intense, requiring a lot of research, time, and possibly fieldwork. The other 2 have the potential to be on the same level. All of the classes, except one at 5:30, will start at 7:20 in the evening, with one going to 10PM and I'll be going 4 days/week compared to the 2 days I go now.

Oh, and I'll also be really buckling down and completing my final project. So that coupled with the other research and normal schoolwork I'll probably have to do means I'll need at least one free weekday for researching at public agencies that are typically only available 9-5 on weekdays. I'll also have more time to exercise if I'm only working 3 days a week.

I will still have my internship with the Ypsilanti HDC. That internship will start paying me hourly beginning in January in addition to the stipend from the school. It's not even 2 blocks from where I live, so I'll be saving tremendously on traveling expenses, probably half or more of what I spend now because I can walk to work or drive not even a mile in gross weather.

And then there's the looming issue of the creeper. Even though there may be some resolution on that soon, I'm not sure it's going to be enough to make me feel more at ease and comfortable and it may even make those feelings worse when he is talked to.

Laying that all out, I think I know what the answer is. I need my time to focus on school and myself. Even though having extra money would be a nice cushion, it wouldn't be worth the stress and crazy scheduling. I'll have my year of experience in Lansing and almost a year of experience in Ypsilanti... that's enough. I have to know when to say no.

I like browsing sparkpeople to get ideas and to feel inspired about weight loss. I don't use their tracking tools because I feel like doing it that thoroughly is bordering on the obsessive. Even the way people talk about weight loss on the forums is bordering on the obsessive because it seems like their life is consumed by the details of their food consumption and exercise. I don't want to be that person.

My biggest problems with food are a.) portion control and b.) binge eating. The former has become easier to control by measuring certain foods and eating slower. The latter is still difficult. I eat relatively well during the day but dinner and the time after that are horrible. A lot of it stems from boredom and watching TV. And the rest comes from a tug-of-war between "want" and "need." So, I'm trying to be more mindful by making the distinction between those terms and by "listening" to my stomach. It sucks when you suddenly realize that you just spent the last hour-ish mindlessly eating things and now your stomach actually hurts and you feel kind of sick.

Sometimes I'm still giving into the binging and other times I'll start, realize what I'm doing, and then force myself to stop. I'm trying to be mindful, trying to make healthier choices, and not beat myself up for eating a little too much of this or eating the unhealthy thing.

So far today, for breakfast I had a mug of green tea, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, and some blueberries and for lunch, I had the to-go bowl of Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup and some leftover whole wheat baguette (about 1/5 of the loaf). I have a nectarine for a mid-afternoon snack. For dinner I'm thinking I might make some fettucine with pesto sauce, broccoli, and the leftover Tilapia from the other day; I just have to make sure I make the right portion of fettucine. The tough part will be not snacking like it's my last day ever eating food again.

I'm trying to exercise more too. Not as much as I probably should be doing but to the point of starting to feel a little stronger. I'm averaging about 4-5 days/week of 30 minute workouts, which isn't quite up to what I should be doing but it's more than what I was doing.

File this under inappropriate touching and most likely sexual harrassment.

My boss needs to learn to keep his hands to himself. Do not touch me. Seriously. Ever. Just stop. It's never in a sexual way but it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

About 20 minutes ago, he came down to see my progress on updating a map. After I discussed it with him and gave him an approximate completion time, he put his hand on the back of my neck, kind of cupped it for 2 seconds, and said something that I blocked out because I was all "ah! hand on the back of my neck! what the hell are you doing?!"

I'm so skeeved out right now and I'm trying not to simultaneously vomit and cry because it's not worth it and he's not worth it. He's previously done similar things that immediately made me freeze up and feel uncomfortable.

The neck thing reminded me of something my dad would do or even Matthew because it's kind of an intimate and familiar gesture. Pretty sure my interning duties DO NOT involve that at all.

I really don't want to confront him. And I feel guilty and embarrassed about telling anyone, say like Dr. Ted. I don't know what to do.

Mobility costs too damn much.

Gas. If I was filling up once a week, it wouldn't seem so bad. 3-4 days a week just sucks.

Parking. In my urban and regional planning class we had a reading that basically said we don't pay the true cost of mobility and that we take free parking for granted. I think I'm paying the true cost of mobility now... I have to pay for parking where I live, work, and go to school (luckily this semester, I got a free parking pass). The crappy thing is that the cost of parking isn't the same no matter where you are... in Lansing, I can get an hour per quarter... in Ann Arbor, 20 minutes per quarter. The fuck.

Associated costs. Oil changes and the repairs associated with a 9 year old car. We don't want to keep pouring money into it to fix things yet I'm not sure I want to be driving a possible deathtrap. Just sayin'. And why does it always happen when you can least afford it?

It's just one more thing that stresses me out. 4 more months. Just give me that much longer.

I had my interview yesterday and was offered the internship with the Ypsilanti HDC this morning. So now I have two jobs... eek! It's going to be a busy semester.

I got a new phone yesterday *thank you Mom x a million + infinity* ...an Apple iPhone 3G. I love it. I love the user interface, the applications, the music and photo capabilities, the sound, the clarity of phone calls, the GPS, everything. It's very sleek, light, and really fun to use. I'm now on need-to-be-super-careful-not-clumsy mode 24/7 given my history of dropping my cellphone but it's worth it.

Classes start two weeks from today. Bleh. I'm a little burned out at the moment.

I feel awful today. Headache, dry and slightly sore throat and mouth, random nausea, and alternating really hot and cold. I've been clenching my jaw a lot for the past week while I'm sleeping and hard enough to wake myself up, which has never happened before. I think the nausea is being caused by the headache which is caused by the clenching.

I have headaches so often that I think I've become somewhat desensitized to the degree of pain I'm actually in. I can pinpoint them now to stress and anxiety, which physically manifest in the jaw clenching, which then cause the headaches. When I first started getting headaches, it was when Paul was sick, so my parents had me checked out too... completely understandable. The doctors found nothing physically there so they thought it might be related to being hungry, so they recommended I keep snacks with me throughout the day so I wouldn't get hungry and therefore get headaches. Now that I know the source of my headaches, I'm fairly certain stress and anxiety were the cause then too... obviously.

In non-related health news, I have an interview next Tuesday morning with Ypsilanti and it sounds like 3 people will be interviewing me at once... great. And Lloyd and I are going to Detroit again Thursday... to count windows on a building, bwahahaha.